destinydefeated

So I haven't updated this thing in awhile and there's a lot that I need to get off my chest, so here goes!

Thursday I went to watch Mark's One-Act competition at his school. It was so awesome! They all did an amazing job. (It put MY pathetic school to shame.) Especially Mark. Of course I'm going to say he was amazing, because I would say that about him anyway...I like him so much! And I told him that Thursday night after the winner was announced. He said that he likes me too, but he also likes another girl at his school who just so happens to like him back. I've been doing a LOT of thinking on the subject, and...I think I'm just going to go ahead and tell him to ask her out. I mean, it would be better that way. She can be there for him, see him almost everyday, and actually be a girlfriend who's there for him. I can't! With the exception Thursday I hadn't seen him since Governor School ended back on July 1st. Ooh, but I don't want him to be with someone else...no! That's being selfish. Well, not really if you consider the kind of luck that I've had with reltionships. I deserve SOME happiness, don't I? Maybe...I don't know. Who cares? As long as he's happy, it doesn't really matter. I'm used to being alone anyway, so I'll be fine...maybe. I hope. Oh, whatever! I'm so confused. This is SO messed up!

At least I'm not alone. One of my best friends is going through sort of the same thing. Only the guy that she likes goes to our school and she actually saw him with another girl...I feel so bad for her! She's heartbroken. I wish I could do or say something to help her, but from experience I know that words just aren't enough. Oh, what do I do?

And then my little sister is having relationship problems because my parents don't want her and her boyfriend Isaiah to be together! Sure, he's quite a few years older than her and half-black, half-white, but what does that matter? She's really happy with him and he's the first guy that she's dated that isn't perverted, skanky, nasty, filthy, potty-mouthed, etc. So, yeah! He's actually doing something with his life, going somewhere! And plus he's so awesome to talk to. The other day we had this hour-long conversation about "worm holes" in outer space. It was awesome. I consider him to be like a brother to me. And I know Vicki's in love with him, just like he is with her. Only our parents are trying to tear them apart. She's been so upset all day and I don't know what to say to her, either! I wish I could, though.

Wouldn't it be awesome if I had the answers to everything? That way I could just save all my friends and family from a lot of heartache. I don't really care about myself - as long as they're happy, I'm good. Of course, I'd want to be happy as well, but it just seems here lately like that isn't really in the future for me. I might as well just accept it and get over it. Why does life have to be so complicated? Why?

I'm going to bed now. Maybe some answers will randomly come to me in my dreams...goodnight.

Considering the fact that I've been working non-stop all day at school and at home, today has went pretty well. I'm actually excited about doing my history presentation now because I - with the help of my dad and brothers - made this really awesome model of the New Orleans battle field using a cardboard box and little plastic soldiers. Now all I have left to do is work on my report to shift a couple of things around and do my poster board. And that's it for history! I can't wait until tomorrow when it'll finally all be over with. Now on to English...

Today in class I got about four more notecards done. So that means I have 19 out of 125+ done. And they're all due on Friday. We all know what that means...I have to pull an all-nighter! Well, not HAVE to, but I'm going to anyway. If I get all - or at least half - of my notecards done tonight then tomorrow in English I can start working on the first group of Literary Terms, which are due on Monday. Man...when I'm writing all of the things that I have to do it seems like a mountain of work. But oh well. I chose to go for an Advance Studies Diploma, so this is what I get. I may not like it, but I just have to suck it up and go on. Life has already taught me that it isn't the least bit fair - even to those who deserve sunshine instead of rain.

And speaking of which...I still haven't got a letter from Mark! What is up with that? I wrote him last week and - according to the time that it takes for he and I to exchange letters from Clinchport to Big Stone - I should have already heard from him. I really hope that he's okay because I really like him...a lot.

I am so disappointed in myself. Last night I went to bed thinking that when I woke up the next moring I was going to do my little morning routine, get straight to work, work all day, and by nightfall I'd have everything done. Evidently when I formulated this little plan I forgot that I was going to be the one doing it. This morning after my routine, all I did was lay on the couch and sit at the computer. That's it. Finally at around 3:30 I went to the library and got two books and a CD on Frank Sinatra. By the time I got home I realized that it was as if I was just getting home from school like any other regular day and I had wasted SO much time. That and I had been really aggrivated with myself all day, causing me to use frequent profanity. I don't like doing it, but sometimes I just get in those moods where I feel like I have to curse, even though I don't.

Gosh, I'm just so happy that I didn't have any school today. It really sucks that I have to go back tomorrow. My history presentation is still due on either Thursday or Friday (Coach Bays can't keep his schedule straight - not my fault) and my 125+ notecards are due on Friday instead of Thursday. I'm so fed up with it that I don't even want to talk about it anymore.

Hmm...I really need to start doing things to fix my life. The way it is right now I feel as though I don't have control over anything that's happening around me. Some of those things I really can't do anything about, but for the others I can - but usually choose not to. Maybe me getting a job right now isn't such a good idea. I can barely handle my school work. ...I don't know. I'll think about it.

And while I'm thinking about jobs, I need to start deciding on what I want to do with my life. My latest career interest has been a Doctor/Physician, but I'm not sure. I've been told that you have to be very good at chemistry to make it in that field. And as we all know, that particular subject and I aren't on good terms. Then there's Astronomy. I LOVE it! But the thing is, I don't know exactly what would be a good job for me in that field. I'll just have to do some research and hopefully that'll tell me more.

Still no letter from Mark. Either he's procrastinating like I so often do or something's wrong. If I don't hear from him tomorrow, I'll be worried.

The feelings of dred that I had yesterday about school today weren't totally justified. It wasn't as awful as I had expected it to be. I just need to slow down and try to comprehend all the things I'm supposed to be learning in each of my classes. Chemistry and pre-calculus aren't too bad; all I do in there is take notes and do some problems for homework. It's English and history that are killing me. Today in English Mrs. Taylor gave us a choice - we could either work on our notecards or our Literary Terms. Naturally, I chose the former because I only had five out of 125+ done. By the end of the block I think I had done close to 20, so I'm getting there - slowly but surely. Then in history I had to sit and watch some of my classmates do their Civil War presentations. That wasn't too bad. There were a couple that were very informative and nicely put together. And some of the ones that were due today didn't present theirs because they ran into some technical difficulties. But oh well.

Tomorrow morning mom has to take me to the library. I've still got to get another non-internet source for my English paper. (The topic is Frank Sinatra, one of my favorite singers of all time.) I also plan on printing my history paper while I'm there, since the printer that I have here at home is screwed. And that sucks because it means I have to actually finish the stupid paper tonight! I just hope that I can find enough information on it to make it five pages long and my presentation be at least five minutes. Hmm...I should probably get started right now, as much as I don't want to. I think I'll hop in the shower first to try to wake myself up.

I didn't get a letter from Mark today, which sucks because I was really looking forward to reading what he had to say in response to my last letter. Hehe. Hopefully I'll receive it tomorrow! After all the stress I've been under lately, I could use a smile.

Isn't it weird how something that is supposed to make you happy can make you feel the exact opposite? That's how I feel about my church. I know it's terrible to say, because a church house is a place you go to worship God and be uplifted and blessed. But when I go to my church I feel worse than I did before; it drags me down and makes me depressed. Why? Because usually the message my Pastor chooses to preach is focused on the book of Revelation and the end of time. I don't want to hear about that stuff! I'm only 16. My life has barely begun, so why would he want to tell me that it's almost over because God is gonna come back and take us out of this world? Sometimes I feel like stepping through the church doors and never going back into them. Tonight wasn't one of those nights, but it came close.

But enough about that. I dred school tomorrow. This week is going to be a nightmare! Thursday I have a five page history paper/five minute presentation due on the Battle of New Orleans (Civil War). Also on Thursday I have 125+ notecards due for my research paper in English. As of right now I only have about seven notecards done and the only thing I've done for my history paper is write down a couple of websites that pertain to my topic. So that means that Tuesday - when we get out of school for election day- I'm going to be working my butt off trying to get all of my stuff done. It's really aggrivating, but what can I do? It's either do the papers or fail. The one in history counts as five major test grades; the one in English is going to be divided into parts and each part will be taken as a test grade until Thanksgiving break.

I really hope I get a letter from Mark tomorrow. They always bring a smile to my face!